OrGODnized Chaos

What is your name? Where are you from? What do you do? These are the three phrases I hear the most when coming in contact with someone who does not know me. My answer to these inquires open up the possibility of further interactions. Given that I am a dietitian by trade, it usually leads to questions about meal plans and health tips. The initial stage of most relationships usually begin this way. Dialogue directed at getting subjective information about someone. The answer to these inquiries usually begin with the words “I am”.

“I am” are two of the most simple yet powerful utterances one could ever speak. Whatever words are spoken after these two syllables, begins the manifestation of it. Things can start to bloom or fade at the proclamation of what is verbally echoed after these two words. I recently completed a sabbatical of social media and of a social life to try and refocus my life on what is important. You know reflecting on my past mistakes, creating a mental plan on where I want to be, and beginning to work my plan. In the mist of reflecting I remembered that my attitude is not always positive. What I mean is, although I may have a grand idea, I may write it down and pray about it, but I don’t always believe I will achieve it. This is called self doubt. This took me back to place I was almost ten years ago and a place I did not want to go back to.

Self doubt is often times a by product of decreased self love. It is important to know this because having decreased self love, will allow your “I am” to be dictated by others. Coveting the lives of others, toxic relationships, and traumas are all things that can contribute to letting others take over your “I am”. This was me for a long time. I let others tell me what I was. I like to talk. I consider myself an excellent communicator. Some people told me I talked too much. My lack of self love led me attempting to be quiet. I was teased for being dark skinned when I was younger. This led me to purchasing skin lighteners. Yea, I was extreme. My “I am” was determined by what others thought of me, not what I thought of myself. I remember when my son was in elementary school, he came home and asked me was he gay because the kids at school called him he was so much he thought he was. Words can infiltrate our mind and seep into our heart if we don’t combat them intentionally. What does that look like?

I had been told I was ugly and black for so long, I believed it. I did not go certain places out of fear of being talked about. I did not like to walk in front of a group of people because my insecurities would began to manifest themselves physically and I would get sick to my stomach. I wore only neutral colors so I could fade into the background and I did not take pictures. I have very few pictures of myself from collage. I became an achiever. I thought that maybe if I became successful, I would not feel as bad about myself. People would like me. I would have value. When the feelings did not change after the accolades, I knew I had to do more. This is just my story of how I let my “I am” be spoken for by others. I am sure you have your own story. There are many more reasons I felt the way I did that I don’t have time to mention, just know I’ve had a tough life emotionally, but GOD. We all at times wear masks (if you are honest). I wanted to take mine off. I wanted to be authentic and true, simply me.

Proverbs 18:21 states that “Death and Life are in the power of the tongue”. I knew I had the power to change. I knew that I could not continue to let my “I am” be influenced by others. I wrote positive affirmations about myself on yellow post it notes and stuck them to my mirror. I read them out loud whenever I looked in the mirror. You know what, it worked. My transformation internally began to be reflected externally when I cut all my hair off , started to wear bright colored clothing, colored nail polish (I only wore french or american manicure at the time), and lipstick (I had never wore lipstick before then).

You are the biggest critic of your life, but you are also your greatest motivator. You have the power to decide what you are and what you will become. We all have had some experiences in life that shaped us. When someone asks me about me today, I can confidently say, I AM Pranati. A beautiful, intelligent, sexy, loyal, charismatic, motivating, encouraging, bossy, horrible story teller, goal and family oriented, christian, mother, future wife, and friend. Who are you?